How to get a free meal down at the Panda Esspresss...

First, go sleep under a viaduct for about three weeks.

Second, get really badly drunk every single day - this will dull your sense of personal space and propriety. It'll come in handy today.

Third, get a pair of pants so dirty they could probably stand up in the corner by themselves. It's a bonus if they REALLY smell like urine.

Fourth, get yourself in line in front of ThatOneGuy, and start asking for samples of everything in the store. Make sure you speak in what seems to be a foreign language, but it's really the result of all those consecutive drunk days.

Take all the time you like, talking to everyone around you, but having trouble understanding what the hispanic and/or oriental ladies are saying to you from behind the counter.

If you take long enough, I'll probably end up buying you something, just to get the line moving again.

I think I need a bottle brush for my nostrils.

I'm just sayin'.